February, with its love glitter and all of its commercial enticements, shouts of love. Viva la love! Our world is saturated in Valentine’s, candy hearts, cards, and gifts, encouraging us to show love to the ones we for whom we care. February dedicates itself to love.
Not all of us feel the love though. We might have just had a break-up. We might feel like love isn’t available for us. We might have lost a close loved one and are feeling the hole of their absence terribly. Being among the love of the February glitter is very difficult. Regardless of our outward manifestations of love, there is one way of love that is available and necessary for all of us.
Self-love. Self-love creates a deeper space to share love and buoys us when we are experiencing pain of loss of love. Love of self is a necessary foundation to fully express any kind of other love—be that the love of a child, the love of a pet, the love of a partner or the love of a talent or object. Love of self is the bedrock of all love and is needed to truly be able to love others unconditionally and live passionately. True self-love enhances one’s wider capacity to love. Aristotle once said, “All friendly feelings for others are an extension a person’s feelings for themselves.”
What does it mean to love oneself? True self-love is not narcissistic or self-serving. By loving yourself generously you become grounded in who you are and aware of your gifts. With self-awareness you also come to know what you can offer others. When you are in balance your world balances. Giving comes from a free space. If you lack self-love, you may quickly turn resentful and tired when giving to others. Your tank quickly depletes. But with self-love your ability to love unconditionally grows and your capacity to appreciate all outward expressions of love is deeper.
Self-love recognizes that you are a gift. You are a unique being and you exist in this world as valuable and important. You accept all of your flaws—even when you don’t understand them or why you might have them. Self-love is a place where self-forgiveness begins when you are not perfect or when you do something that you wish you didn’t. You are a gift—perfectly imperfect and good in all ways just the way you are.
How do you grow self-love over the long term? Practicing self-love is not about trips to the spa and bubble baths. It is not about going out to buy that sweater or car to make you feel good. It is about creating awareness of your value and lovability. What are practices that you can put into your daily life that allow for a deeper growing awareness of how you love yourself?
I believe in the power of the “pause” as a way to create awareness about the unique value of me. With the pause, I notice gifts, needs, and aspirations. Within the pause, I cultivate a space of awareness of my essence or can stop and change course in an act of self-caring. Below are five practical “planned pauses” which support a growing awareness of the self and expressions of self-love:
Take ten minutes to simply sit in the morning.
For ten minutes in the morning, I let go of the activities that are upcoming and of my dreams from the night and I simply sit with myself. I breathe and bring myself to the present moment, gently letting go of thoughts as they come. You might ask yourself in the quiet toward the end of the sit, “What am I feeling? What do I need?” When asking these questions, I sometimes put one hand on my belly and one on my heart to connect more deeply with myself as I listen. Sometimes something comes to mind and sometimes not. Either way, the practice of taking time to be and to ask allows for space to hear and create answers.
Set a daily intention.
Before you walk through your day, take a moment to decide how you want to show up for the day. What would you like to create during the day? You might say, “my intention for today is… (peace, harmony, productivity, etc.).” Your intention often rises naturally from a morning sit and comes easily with a continuous practice of self-awareness. Sometimes I set my intention in the morning and go through my day without thinking about it. Even so, during a nightly reflection I am often surprised at the way my intention filled my day.
Speak kindness to and about yourself.
Stop and pause when you become aware that you are thinking belittling thoughts about yourself. How often do you speak to yourself and about yourself in a way that you would never speak of another human being? Be as kind to yourself with your words and thought as you are to others. Give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Allow for mistakes. Speak kindly of your attributes. Speak proudly of your talents. Stop putting yourself down; instead, raise yourself up with words of kindness. Be your best advocate.
Look at yourself in the mirror.
Spend a moment just looking and allow yourself to take in the vision of remarkable you. Many of us look at ourselves and what we see are wrinkles or spare tires. How you change up that viewing to notice beautiful you. Your body is the vessel that carries you day-by-day in this world. How can you honor your body with your words? Compliment yourself. Tell yourself that you love yourself just the way you are, even if those words do not come easy. Tell yourself that you will care for you. No matter what!
Be grateful for you.
There is much research about the importance of gratitude. Gratitude by itself can help to increase happiness and bring a sense of fulfillment. Listing your outer blessings makes you realize just how much abundance is in your life—even when you feel lacking. As you grow your self-awareness and love, make a point to be grateful for you. For your gifts. For the way you show up in the world. What are you grateful for about yourself? Practicing gratitude for one’s self brings you back to your center and your goodness. Currently, I send a text at the end of the day to a good friend listing my blessings, purposefully listing at least one of my blessings as an expression of my own worth and self-love.
Planned pauses seep into our life beyond the moment of the pause. We come from busy lives. We wake up and often go, go, go till bedtime. Daily life can be exhausting. Pausing, even for a minute, allows us to know who we are in our busy world and exposes in gentle ways what we need. Pausing stops the merry-go-round of life, allowing moments to notice and to feel. To smell. To see. To see me. Purposeful pauses lead to spontaneous pauses. Moments where we notice beauty. Where we listen to another rather than speak what we think needs to be said. Where we stop before we do something impulsive allowing us to be intentional in our actions and in our words. Where kindness prevails—towards ourselves and to others.
This month take a few moments to pause and grow your self-awareness and love. Take this invitation to look at self-love more deeply and develop the curiosity and the willingness to pause. The willingness to notice. The fruits of that willingness will create love—unconditionally—for yourself, for others and for the broader world in which we live. Let’s celebrate love this February with a bit of a twist. First celebrate you and self-love. Deepen your awareness of the uniqueness you bring to your world. Give yourself the ultimate Valentine. To Me: Be My Valentine! Who knows, you may want to celebrate you by sending yourself flowers! As you develop and deepen self-love you and your world will be richer because of it! Viva la love for self! Viva la love!
Submitted by Deborah Bussewitz, LifeResults board member